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Who Needs Stop-and-Frisk When We’ve Got Such Fancy Nails?

The hysterics over Michael Bloomberg’s flip-flop on Rudy Giuliani’s wonderful stop-and-frisk program that saved the lives of 20,000 young black men in New York City would be hilarious to watch, if only our current woke politics weren’t getting so many minorities killed in America.

In case you missed it, the presidential “contender” Bloomberg disavowed the stop-and-frisk program, which is one of the very few urban anti-crime initiatives in modern history that actually worked.

But then a tape surfaced of Bloomberg praising stop-and-frisk a few years ago– and all hell broke loose. Bloomberg talked about factual matters related to stop-and-frisk, i.e., the vast majority of gun homicides in large urban cities are carried out by blacks, Hispanics and Asians, and the solution is to stop the shady-looking ones, “throw them up against the wall” and take their guns away. Bloomberg was immediately denounced as a “racist” for calmly discussing the fact-based statistics.

The 2019 New York City crime statistics show that Bloomberg was pretty much 100% correct in his description of what the modern urban gun-toting criminal looks like. According to the most recent numbers available, whites accounted for only 3% of the homicides in New York City last year, despite whites making up 33% of the city’s population.

The other 97% of the city’s gun homicides were committed by young male minorities, primarily blacks (56% of homicides) and Hispanics (30%). Even Asians, who make up just 11% of New York City’s population, accounted for 4% of the city’s homicides to edge out white criminals. It’s clear that by targeting minority thugs under stop-and-frisk, Bloomberg and Giuliani before him were not “disproportionately” picking on anyone. They were stopping the people most likely to have guns on them.

One place that definitely won’t be imposing the wildly successful stop-and-frisk anytime soon is Philadelphia. That city has just sworn in its first black female Police Commissioner. And let’s just say… she’s got her priorities straight.

During her first day on the job, Danielle Outlaw—

Hahahahahaha! What?!

Okay, that’s it. I’m changing my legal name to Mr. Ninja Pirate first thing tomorrow.

Anyway, during her first day on the job, new Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw started getting weird looks from all the police officers as she was greeting them. It turns out that Commissioner Outlaw’s garishly painted fingernails were a clear violation of the police department dress codes that all officers are expected to follow.

Commissioner Outlaw took immediate action… by changing the rule to allow herself to paint her fancy nails whatever damn color she wants, you bunch of racists!

She then went to the media to proclaim how her courageous act was fighting systemic racism in the Philadelphia Police Department. You go, girl!

Commissioner Outlaw gave a rambling explanation about how she believes that the concept of community policing originated in something called “slave patrols,” and that this caused “systemic racism” to infest the department. But don’t worry, her fancy nails will fight that systemic racism for the good people of Philadelphia.

Meanwhile, the murder rate in Philadelphia is up 26% so far in 2020, compared to a year ago. And it’s only February! Naturally, the Philly murderers and murder victims are all young minority males who could probably benefit from a more Bloombergian approach of “throwing them up against a wall” and frisking them.

But the important thing to remember if you live in Philly is that the new Police Commissioner’s nails look fabulous. Two years from now when police morale has plummeted even further in Philadelphia, she’ll probably blame that on systemic racism too.

Rat-infested Baltimore is another city that could probably benefit from some stop-and-frisk tactics. The black-on-black murder rate there has skyrocketed ever since Barack Obama stoked the Freddie Gray riots in black communities across the country a few years ago.

The situation has gotten so bad that Baltimore declared a Ceasefire Weekend. They had a big march and then the black mayor and black police commissioner and black community leaders all begged people to please not shoot each other for a whole weekend. It was as if the entire city had been declared a gun-free zone! Problem solved!

The final tally for Baltimore’s Ceasefire Weekend was 15 shot and 4 dead. Apparently, the thugs didn’t get the memo. Didn’t they know it was Ceasefire Weekend? They’re gonna be in so much trouble if they get caught! (Which they won’t.)

Stop-and-frisk worked wonderfully to clean up New York City, much like three-strike laws cleaned up a lot of the gang problems in Los Angeles in the 1990s. But if we’re going to keep disavowing programs that work because of the skin color of the murderers, we’re never going to be able to fix these problems – no matter how fancy our nails are.


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